Snow White And The Huntsman

Have you seen this one yet?

No?

Have you seen the Wizard of Oz, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Sound of Music, anything Joan of Arc-ish, Lord of the Rings, The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, The Neverending Story, Newsies, Beauty and the Beast, Game of Thrones, Seabiscuit, The Little Mermaid, Enchanted, Sleeping Beauty, Mulan, Star Wars, Willow, Braveheart, Henry V, Rapunzel (or Tangled), Clash of the Titans (original), Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane Hudson, or Mommie Dearest?

Yes? But I thought you said you hadn’t seen it….

Because you see, dear friends, what Snow White and The Huntsman is, it owes entirely to these movies from which it stole scenes, shots, songs and emotional/sociological cache. Sigh.

Seriously at one point they’re basically singing “Seize The Day” and the Neverending Story allusion is so obvious I went “ARTAX!!!!”. It was sometime before Harry Potter’s Patronus kissed Dorothy Snow White on the forehead, but after Faramir some bristly baby-faced dude got up in his uncle’s face about the fate of Gondor wherever the heck they are. This movie would have benefited from a basic understanding of its own geography and mythology.

I’ll tell you what, though – it would have made a helluva Snow White themed music video for Florence and the Machine.

Visually it’s ridiculously gorgeous. Charlize Theron is in her own movie. Kristen Stewart is in a Cover Girl flawless skincare with optional dirty fingernails commercial. Chris Hemsworth is looking for his Thor hammer to smash his way out of this movie. A bunch of quality BBC actors are getting the Gimli treatment and wishing they’d just remembered to send their agent the annual holiday fruit basket or whatever they forgot to do that landed them here.

It was a mess. The storytelling was jumpy, the physical locations bore no relation to one another and required a lot of LOTR B-roll shots to get from place to place, the dialogue sucked, and the movie kept acting like it had been at it for days and days, when the blatant fact that the Huntsman had met Snow White 20 minutes prior made exchanges like one of the dwarves saying “You’ve known her longer than any of us” feel exceedingly stupid. And then there were these super Gollum-like fairy things, which made me think about how annoying True Blood is when nobody’s naked, and Bob Hoskins playing a magic blind guy made me wish that Odysseus would swoop in and wrap this shiz UP already.

Sigh.

I had high hopes! It looked so pretty! And they referred to Snow White’s rebellious spirit! But while they were patchworking the movie together, they should have basted in some Count of Monte Cristo so she’d have practiced her fighting moves, or some Man in the Iron Mask so she’d have practiced her revenge impulse, or really anything that kept me from singing “We’re knights of the round table! We dance when’er we’re able!” in my head.

I mean….you can still see it, if you want to see Charlize Theron age, then youthify, then age, then youthify, and stuff. The costumes are phenomenal and thumbs up to whoever was responsible for pointing the fan at Kristen Stewart’s face to blow her hair back. It was very consistent.

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