Ugh, Hax Fail

A letter writer (whose gender is not disclosed) writes in to complain that zir girlfriend is off in another state partying with new people and not calling home to check in, and says that zie planned to break up with said girlfriend, but the next call zie got was the girlfriend in tears, saying she’d been passed out drunk and a male classmate had “taken advantage of her.” The letter writer (LW) now feels conflicted – zie has their hands full judging GF for drinking and getting sexually assaulted, being angry at GF, and feeling guilty because zie wants to break up with her anyway.

An excerpt from Hax’s response (emphasis mine): You’re “sympathetic and torn up” about what happened to her; frustrated that you weren’t able to prevent an outcome that you foresaw, and believe she could have foreseen had she been willing to say no to herself;frustrated with her for neglecting you, not curbing her second adolescence (you are adults, right?) and possibly running around on you. All makes sense.

HAX WTF?!?!?! As a survivor of sexual assault that happened to me while I was in a blackout…Yes I could have “prevented it” by not being drunk, but as regular readers of Shakesville know, the only way to prevent rape is not to encounter a rapist. This awareness, and a gentle rape culture education (because I don’t think the LW is actually trying to be an asshole), is totally missing in Hax’s response.

Here’s a link to her chat at noon today – if you feel like weighing in (even just to suggest that hey, maybe it’s not necessary to equate rape with cheating, or to focus entirely on the needs of a letter writer when a real human woman is out there reeling from sexual assault….. ) please feel free.

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4 Responses to Ugh, Hax Fail

  1. Chibi Jeebs says:

    This mentality makes me SO angry! Women don’t need to learn how to avoid being raped: men need to learn NOT TO RAPE WOMEN. (Or women rape men, if that’s the case.) I… GRAH. Too angry to form coherent sentences. >:-|

    • mkpheartsnyc says:

      YESSSSS. I avoided making any assumptions about the gender of the LW, plus in my experience women are just as likely to blame the victim as men are…though for someone’s partner to be actually ANGRY that someone “got themselves assaulted” is mind-boggling for me.

  2. I was raped while very, very intoxicated while my boyfriend was out of town. I was so afraid to tell him for fear he would blame me, be mad at me for putting myself in that situation, etc. that I tried to lie about it at first. Luckily, he could tell I wasn’t okay, came home, and never once blamed me or my drinking.

    It sucks that my first instinct is to lie for fear of being blamed for my own assault. But obviously I had good reason to feel that way, because there are a lot of people that would blame me.

    • mkpheartsnyc says:

      I’m so sorry you went through that, especially while you were alone. I didn’t even know enough to recognize my assault for what was – it took 2-3 days of feeling sick and twitchy and afraid to be like “oh….that was normal and it wasn’t ok.” And people disturbingly close to me said things like “I don’t think you were raped, do you?” and “That was just dating when I was growing up”

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