Pageview Generating Marriage-based Controversy For Dummies

Let me break down the crap-pile that is “Tracy McMillan’s Why You’re Not Married.”

It would be easy to dismiss it as a work of overheated rhetoric, pluralizing anecdote as data and saying whatever needs to be said to push the buttons of every free-thinking feminist woman type person out there.

But that would be stopping too short.

It’s doing all that just so you go over there and read it. And then as a side-effect, so that every douchey air quotes Not A Feminist But person can refer to it as a legit source of rebellious countertheory on Why Feminists Are Bonerkillers.


Let me give you the short version so I can get on to my main goal, generating a list of things of things I really want to know why I can’t/haven’t done yet.

1. You’re a bitch. Men like NICE women, AMIRITE?! Because they’re actually super timid and afraid of ANGER. So tone it down and work around their insecurities. Gee, I’ve NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. *ahem*

2. You’re shallow. No YOU ARE is our collective playground response. Don’t you know you should be able to look at a man who is physically everything you want and recognize that he has no character, whatever the hell that means in this context?

3. You’re a slut – cow, milk for free, etc. Why is this being marketed specifically to women? Are there monogamous people who seek nonmonogamous partners? Or do most monogamous people pretty much want a monogamous partner? Thaaat’s what I thought.

4. You’re a liar – This is probably the most annoying example of “I’m just saying this this way so people get all mad and huffy and link this everywhere and do exactly what MKP is doing right now”. Because the friendly way of saying this? Is “You haven’t admitted what you want to yourself.” Much more INFLAMMATORY to accuse you of lying.

5. You’re Selfish: …isn’t everyone, until they have a reason not to be? Can I also point out that there is nothing in the description of “wife” that would automatically give her “tons of shit to do”? Wife just means “married woman,” right? It doesn’t, like, come with job responsibilities. I would not interview for that job.

Silly me, here I was thinking marriage was a partnership. Sure, if I’m doing my laundry I will also do some of your laundry but um, sorry FutureSpouse, your errands are your errands.

6. You’re not good enough: Here are the only two actually honest and not just bitchy pieces of advice in this whole thing – “You are enough right this minute,” and “you’ll still be you when you’re married.”

She left out 7. You’re gay and it’s illegal in your state. Oh, no she didn’t, because Heteronormative is Normative.

So much bullshit, so little time. Why is this not directed at PEOPLE instead of WOMEN? Why is it all “This is what women have to do, and men don’t have to do anything because they already want to be married, they must just not want you in particular because look how many things you’re not doing to get them to marry you!”

So I give you the List of Things I’m Not That I Would Actually Like to Learn Why I Can’t Do.

1. Why can’t I fly?

2. Why are my feet flat?

3. Why isn’t Gracie potty-trained?

4. What the hell is wrong with the F train?

5. Why can’t I run without developing a deep resentment for my knees?

6. Why can’t I eat wheat without getting sick to my stomach any more?

So, get to work on that, HuffPo. I bet you can find an offensive, outraging, overly simplistic way to cover each and every one of those things.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to figure out which episode of Mad Men I don’t like any more because this woman wrote it.

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6 Responses to Pageview Generating Marriage-based Controversy For Dummies

  1. Meoskop says:

    You forgot the bit about good men not withering on the vine, that a man of ‘quality’ is quickly captured, which means the rest of them men aren’t searching like her hypothetical women, they just suck.

  2. Renee says:

    Honestly I think the woman is projecting. We all know about her very public divorce from Johnathon.

    • mkpheartsnyc says:

      Well sure. And it’s not like there’s no place for personal anecdotes being spun out into advice (Hi, every columnist ever) but the whole tone of this is just so repellant.

  3. bananacat says:

    And she also left out #8. I’m not married because I prefer being single at this point in my life.

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