Residents of the relatively quiet second floor apartment in Park Slope were shocked and reasonably grossed out by the discovery of a dead hamster body this evening. The exact time of death could not be determined because
the owner is a terrible mother the rodent coroner’s office is closed pending investigation of a rat infestation, but the victim, one Tina Fey the Hamster, was known to be in ill health before her demise.
Her sister and roommate, Amy Poehler the Hamster, was understandably distraught when interviewed by investigators as the body was being removed from the top-of-the-dresser dwelling. She gave the following statement, clearly overcome with either grief or shock: "OMG the wheel is over THERE now! And someone moved the igloo! The food dish was empty, and now it’s FULL! Look! I can climb the walls and hang from the ceiling!!!"
After investigators became suspicious of her extremely high-strung demeanor, they noticed Ms. Fey The Hamster’s body showed unmistakeable signs of having been nibbled upon, and amidst squeals of "Ewww," representation for Ms. Poehler The Hamster concluded she had no comment to make at this time. The investigation is ongoing, but no charges are expected to be filed since the only suspect is already behind bars.
Ms. Fey will be interred tomorrow morning – parties wishing to send their condolences may honor her memory by playing her favorite song, "These Are The Days of Our Lives" at her favorite time of day to exercise, eat, fight with her sister or squeak for no reason: whenever you were about to go to sleep.